Another International Incident

Yesterday, I went paddling in Blackpool
I was seized for straying into Iranian waters
After a day of diplomatic exchanges
British officials confirmed
That they were not at all interested in my case

British Diplomat

Last night in Bolton
There were angry and violent scenes
But then again there always are

Guards threatened to attach electrodes to my genitals
(Admittedly this was at my request)

And engaged in brain washing techniques
That would result in me losing my identity
Luckily I had none

Downing Street saw this as a sign of progress
For the first time since the crisis began
Minor concessions were offered
Hot dogs, pop corn and an extra 10% off at B&Q

Oh they put me through hell
Today they fed me again
Tomorrow they threaten lashings...
Of ginger beer and cake or a day at Alton towers
I don't know how much more of this I can take

Dear mother please send my trousers with the elasticated waist
I have given my captors my assurances
That this incident will not be repeated
Upon release
I promise to paddle only in Southport

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